“People think that if you talk with kids about sex, they want to go and do it. But all of the research shows that these conversations and this kind of education is associated with delayed onset and reduced frequency of sexual activity and with an increase in contraception.”
Photo: Popsock Media
Twelve years old is the average age when kids first see pornography, almost always by accident, so it's the job of parents to brave their own awkwardness and get in early with information and reassurance, says podcaster Melody Thomas.
“There is a fear from a lot of children that Mum or Dad is gonna blow up if I come to them and say that I've seen this thing. You need to be the safeguard and the kind of reliable person, even if you're not feeling that on the inside when they come to you about this stuff.”
Melody Thomas explores sex, sexuality and relationships in BANG! and The Good Sex Project podcasts.
Before speaking with sex education expert Dr Jane Cherrington on The Good Sex Project, Thomas was anxious about talking to her own kids about porn.
“I had had some words with my kids about how, you know, there's some stuff on the internet. There's a bit little freaky, and there's also naked people on the internet, and if you see any of that, then come and tell me. But that is as far as I had gone. I didn't even know how to begin.
“After I spoke with her, I came straight home and had a really proper, well-rounded conversation about pornography with my 11-year-old. And it went so well.
“Because we've had those ongoing conversations at home about sex and relationships generally, for so long, it was actually really easy. And I feel really confident that now that my 11-year-old has tools for when, inevitably, she stumbles upon that content.”
In her book How To Talk With Your Kids About Porn, Dr Cherrington recommends largely following your child’s lead when it comes to general conversations about sex, Thomas says, and keeping it simple.
“Often, I think as parents, we want to do a good job, and we maybe overdo it and give a bit too much information that doesn't then get taken in. Answer the question at hand, ask if they have any follow-up questions.
“When they first start asking questions, take a very simple approach and answer the question as calmly and simply as you can.”
When you first broach the subject of porn with a child, Thomas recommends giving them a basic lowdown without getting too heavy.
“[You could say something like] porn is photos or videos of adults having sex, mostly online and it's just not for kids, like driving cars and drinking alcohol isn't for kids.
“Tell them that if they come across it, then they can totally come and see you. There's no embarrassment. They won't be in trouble, that you’d love to talk to them about it and be there for them.”
Melody Thomas Photo: Ebony Lamb Photography
While Thomas says she’s not in the camp of ‘all porn is bad’ herself, the mainstream content young people will likely encounter online often normalises violence, aggression, unsafe sex, sexist and racist stereotypes and incest.
While adults and even young people who’ve had sufficient sex education may recognise this is a dramatisation that doesn’t reflect reality, children who haven’t learnt about this content can view it with a hazardous “information gap”.
In a lot of mainstream heterosexual porn, male performers are often dominant and female performers are submissive, Thomas says.
Choking is frequently depicted and increasingly that is being sprung on young people during sex without their consent.
“Choking without really, really clear safety practices - and even sometimes with them - is so dangerous. Memory loss, concussion, miscarriage, broken, death, are some of the potential side effects of that.”
Many are being pressured to engage in anal sex, too, Thomas says - often unsafely.
“We're hearing from health practitioners who are talking about young girls turning up with injuries that have come as a result of a very kind of coercive attitude around that practice. The boys themselves are being pressured from their guy friends to coerce their partners into that practice.”
The pleasure element of sex is something many people believe New Zealand’s current sex education curriculum doesn't cover comprehensively enough, Thomas says.
“When you are a young person, I think you're especially a young woman, and talking from personal experience, your pleasure isn't really front and centre.”
Before making podcasts about sex, Thomas says she found it a terrifying subject to speak about, but after some practice and self-reflection, is now very comfortable.
“It becomes so easy but I think in order to start you first need to look at yourself and those bits of shame that you might have picked up. Pick apart where that comes from and whether you need to hold on to that anymore and definitely whether you want to pass that on to your children.”
