To drop in on someone unannounced or not to?
Before mobile phones were a thing, visiting someone - a neighbour, a close friend, or a family member - without first giving them a heads-up of your imminent arrival was commonplace.
But it's a new day and dropping by someone's house unannounced is one of those etiquette rules that is worth re-jigging in the modern era.
Dropping by without a text got a solid 'nah' rather than a 'yeah' from 22-year-old Crimson-Lily Hodgkinson. Like most of the people interviewed for this story, she was hanging out in Auckland's CBD during a recent sunny lunch hour.
"In my mum's generation, I would do that with her quite often - go in and drop in at people's houses.
"But now, I would never do that and I would be angry if someone just rocked up to my house. I'm probably taking a nap or laying in bed and someone just rocks up at my house? Nah."
Danger Do Not Enter Sign Photo: Raul Najera/Unsplash
Her friend Amy Izzati Masari, 24, was a little more open to the idea.
"It also depends how close you are to the person, whether you can drop by at any time."
She would consider giving certain people blanket permission to drop by whenever they felt like it.
"True boundaries - that is very important. And I want to clean."
Pip, who is in her late 50s, has an agreement with some of her close friends that no one cleans up before any of them come over. However, generally, she never goes over unannounced to someone's house, but doesn't mind when someone pops by unannounced.
"Most of the time I actually quite like it as a little bit of a surprise. So it's weird isn't it? I have a different etiquette to when I am visiting to when other people come visiting but that is okay. I just like people coming to visit."
A household's culture is a major factor in whether the unannounced visit is received well, according to Wellington-based etiquette coach and author Susie Barber. She is about to publish a book that examines the modern manners of Generation Z (those born between the late 1990s and early 2010s).
Etiquette coach and author Susie Barber. Photo: supplied
Barber recently returned from 21 years overseas in New York and Melbourne where a calendar invite ruled all. Now, she is re-adjusting to New Zealand's casual approach.
"I called my daughter and said 'Oh gosh. I just had some pop ins'. She said 'Mum you've forgotten that is what we do here in New Zealand'."
"I was not happy," said Barber, of her unexpected guests. She grew up in what she described as a more formal household, so unannounced visits were never a thing in her family.
"Make a time that works for both sides as opposed to just turning up."
Good etiquette isn't about rules and rituals, it is about respecting others and putting yourself in someone else's shoes, Barber said.
"I just think people don't want the surprise element of not looking their best."
Georgia May, 25, extends the common approach of not answering an incoming call if the number is unknown to not answering the door if she doesn't know who is knocking.
"I don't like people showing up to my house without me knowing just because you're never prepared. You could be in the shower, naked, who knows.
"The house could be a mess. You could be leaving."
A Reddit post in the New Zealand section delved into the subject with close to 500 comments (a sign of how fraught the subject is). Many wrote some version of "it depends" on who they are and how close they are to the person dropping in or being dropped in on.
Some brought up the issue of mothers with sleeping babies not wanting to be disturbed (Kiwi blogger Maria Foy made some funny 'baby sleeping' sign printouts if you need to ward off unwelcome visitors.)
A common concern about surprise guests for Reddit commenters was not having time to clean the house. However, there is no chance of a clean house if you have kids, said Hops Tuihalangingie, 43.
"The house should be tidy at all times anyway unless you have kids then that's a different challenge but other than that I think it is trying to make sure you are being a good host."
In the end, Tuihalangingie decided an unannounced guest was welcome under most circumstances.
"I guess it is an unexpected one that is a nice one. You're not expecting them and then you get to see someone you haven't seen for a long time and they randomly turn up, I guess that means a lot."
Dropping by unannounced is less welcome in the City of Sails than elsewhere, according to Ethan Bowden, 30, who lives in an Auckland apartment but was raised in Tauranga.
"Everyone is a bit high-strung here."
When people come by, he likes to have kai and some beers in the fridge although "usually I have drunk half of them", he said.
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